World Footy News

Since I last wrote an article for this website, the footy landscape has changed. On social media, there are pages and pages of debate about what has been happening to our great game - in particular the world of tackling. Conversations have been ignited the world over, along the lines of "back in my day...". The following is my take on where we might go in the future, not really debating the argument as it exists, but looking forward to a football world full of unicorns, mermaids and a tackle-less footy world.

Already our heads are done in by the tackling penalties with good, hard tackles capable of seeing a player out of Brownlow calculations based on interpretation, not merit...(see what I did there...merit...Merrett...Oh, never mind!) and now we have what might be the final straw, with Saint Dan Butler facing possible suspension for a tackle my coaches would have been proud of. Between that and Donald Trump, I'm convinced the world is mad.

So, I have a possible solution. Hear me out.

Both teams run out onto the field through a crepe paper banner. Already proven as safe and unlikely to produce concussion symptoms. However, each player carries a large ostrich feather (emu feather for Dreamtime Round). More on this later.

The backs go back, the forwards go forward, the mids to that funny place that mids go. The two ruckmen stand opposite each other, glaring. This is as aggressive as this game will get.

The ball is thrown up (no bounce now, as the ricochet might hit a player in the head...no good!). It drops again from the sky and lands, bobbles and then stops...no players move. It is difficult to do so as they are wrapped from scalp to bunyons in bubble wrap for their own protection.

Two players from opposing teams come at the ball, then the one in red and black strikes the ball with his feather, and we are away. For the next seven hours, the ball moves end to end, tapped by feathers, with not one player coming into contact with another. Early in the eighth hour, EUREKA!! The red and blacks feather a ball between the two tall rubber posts (not wood...Good Lord, NO!!) and a goal is scored. The players jump up and down on the spot like demented elves, as no touching is permitted due to risk of traumatic brain injury. The opposition stands and claps as any negative response might trigger emotional distress in players from the leading side.

Within two hours the siren goes...a small bell from an old tricycle, as an actual siren might impair someone's hearing. The umpires leave the field, resplendent in their green tinted bubble wrap. The players leave the field...in single file so as not to accidentally bump into other players, leading to more damage.

The game is done...the players are happy, fulfilled and suffered no blows to the head, or any other part of the body. The crowd is asleep. They nodded off hours ago and the siren wasn't loud enough to wake them. It was a day to make the AFL, their lawyers and Foxtel proud. And we all go back again next week for Round Two.

So, what do we think? One Hell of a lot safer than being tackled by Dan Butler. In fact, safer than being tackled by most things...babies, possums, labradoodles.

If you feel this is a viable solution, by all means share it with the AFL.